April of 2005

My last visit with the kids for the year.

Kids lived in Palm Coast with Stacy and Alan. This was before Stacy was married to Alan. I had moved to Tampa just a couple of weeks ago and the kids have started in their new school close to Stacy's house. My weekend with the kids was coming up. I called Stacy during the week to tell her that I will not be able to take the kids for the weekend since my drivers license is officially suspended and didn't want to risk driving back and forth Daytona and Tampa with the kids in tow. But that I would like to take them to dinner on Friday night if that is acceptable to her. She agreed. I told her I will come to pick them up after work.

Since the move, the arrangement with work was that I will work from home except every other Friday when I actually go in to the office from 9 to 6. They scheduled this office time to coincide with my visitation schedule with the kids so I could go directly after work and pick them up. Another considerate move on my employer's part.

After getting off of work 5 - 10 minutes after 6, I drove up to Palm Coast and arrived at Stacy's door step at 6:45. Stacy was irate that I had bothered to show up 45 minutes later than the official court ordered time of 6:00 sharp. How was she supposed to make plans if I keep showing up late? I apologized and said that I have always gotten off of work at 6pm, and thought she knew it would take me 30 minutes or so to drive up to her place. Stacy said that didn't matter the court order says six pm. She also said that the kids have already had dinner and did not need to be taken out to eat. She finally agreed to let the kids go out with me but made it very clear that I was to have them back by 9pm sharp because that is the kids bed time. I agreed.

The kids and I went to the local Burger King. Zach ordered two kids meals and Mirrissa ate a whole hamburger by herself. With both kids eating like they never saw food before, I asked what they had had for dinner tonight. Kid simply told me that they have not yet had dinner because mommy didn't have any money for food. The kids and I played in the jungle gym and enjoyed each others' company until it was time to go back. Kids had heard their mother's stern tone of voice and knew there was no choice but to be punctual. They did not make fuss as we left Burger King in plenty of time and drove up to the house with 5 minutes to spare.

When we drove up to the house, the house was dark and Alan's car was not parked in the driveway. We walked up to the door and I knocked loudly while the kids yelled "MOOOMMMYYYY!!!" We walked all along the house but the house was dark. We got back in the car and decided to call Stacy on my cell phone. I put the kids on speaker phone and we all left messages on her voice mail that we are here in front of the house but nobody is here. We waited till 9:40 or so but still no Stacy. After a while, kids got tired of waiting and suggested that we go to Wal-mart to look around. Zach wanted to show me something that he wanted for his birthday. I agreed.

We drove up to Wal-mart and parked the car. As we were walking up towards the entrance, Mirrissa spotted Stacy and Alan walking out the other exit towards the parking lot. She yelled "mommy!" but Stacy didn't hear her. We decided that since we were already here, we should just go in and look at what Zach wants to show me, and then return to the house.

No sooner than we started walking around in the store, my cell phone rang, it was Stacy. I picked up on speaker phone and the kids immediately said "hi mommy!" Stacy immediately started yelling in her most upset voice saying that I was late bringing the kids home and was not doing as I had promised. I calmly explained to her that when we got there, she wasn't home and we got tired of waiting. Stacy immediately countered with "I have been waiting here all night for the kids! And you have not showed up!" Upon hearing this Mirrissa immediately said "That's a LIE mommy! We WERE there! we called you on your phone too !!!!" Stacy said that I was lying and how can it be true when she was home all night. She went on nonstop that she expects the kid's home immediately or I will never get to see the kids again and with that she hung up the phone.

After the phone call none of us wanted to look around the store anymore and we headed back to the house. We drove in silence. When I reached the house, I gave the kids each a hug and kissed them good bye. When I peered into their eyes, they already had that blank look on their faces and they didn't flinch as they said "good bye daddy!" in their fake cheerful voices. I sat in the car and watched them run up to the front door which Stacy was holding open.

As I drove home to Tampa, I contemplated on the events of the night. I thought about Stacy and her lies. What does she hope to gain from telling such meaningless, obvious lies. Why does Stacy do any of the things she does? My thoughts turned to Zachary, my thoughtful son, always eager to please. Throughout the phone call from Stacy at Wal-mart, Zach had said nothing. This is in strong contrast to Mirrissa's response, a loud statement of "That's a LIE..." to Stacy's comment about being home waiting for them. I remembered how in the past when Stacy did one of her blatant contradictions, Zach was right up there with Mirrissa, only happy to point out errors made by adults. If he believed he was right, he could be as stubborn as any child could be and would not give up until the adult accepted their mistake. But this time, Zach had merely made a disgusted face and shrugged his shoulders. I was saddened to think how he has been forced to grow up. He had encountered this scenario with his mother too many times in his life and had simply given up fighting. I think Zach is fully aware that his mother is a pathological liar. And he also knows there is no way he can win because Stacy will never admit to her lies and cornering his mother would only result in punishment. Hence the glazed, far away look, while he goes through the motions.

Mirrissa, on the other hand, my poor confused little girl. Her grasp on reality and what is right and what is constant is so fragile she doesn't know if she is up or down most of the time. Her version of the truth was always swayed by her immediate impulses and scattered by ADHD. I think for the most part she really doesn't know what to think or believe. I shuddered to think what a confusing life she must lead with no stable anchor for reference point. Sadly it is only too easy to see her near future, becoming a pathological liar under Stacy's guidance. And right now my hands are completely tied.

Driving down I-4, I think about what it is that I am contributing to the children's lives. Infuriating for me as it may be, Stacy will always be Stacy and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. She has already shown that she won't hesitate to hurt the kids physically and emotionally in anyway possible if it meant that she will get the last laugh over me. More I try to be involved with the kids harder she will push back. More influence she sees of me in the kids, harder she will try to control and manipulate them to be the exact opposite. Even if she was the one to come up with something good for the kids, she will turn around and do the exact opposite if she sees that I am happy for the kids and try to support it.

I suspect that tonight as it has been on many other nights after visitation, she will not rest until the kids have cough up every single detail of the visit. She will do her best to translate and twist each detail to either belittle its importance or somehow ingratiate herself into the event. If kids are uncooperative or don't say the right kind of things she will find one reason or another to punish them until they confess. After the kids say the right words and recite the event on her terms, she will reward them with a snack or a gift and send them off to bed with a warm kiss. And after this, Stacy will finally be able to rest, her self-esteem restored, knowing that her control is complete and my visit has not damaged her relationship with the kids. The kids will fall to the back of her priority list and she will treat them with disinterest and indifference until the next time she feels the need to boost of her self esteem.

As I pull into my driveway, I am left with a sad realization that I am the main cause of the pain and deprivation the kids' experience. If I was not coming to pick the kids up, Stacy would not have felt the need to prove a point to me about not having money to buy food by denying them an afternoon snack. If I was not coming to see the kids, Stacy would have no reason to feel threatened that her control over the kids was slipping. Then she would have no need to haggle over the exact time of pick up, no reason to set strict parameters restricting my contact with the kids, no need to coach the kids to say and do the "right" thing while they are with me. Stacy is so insecure about losing control over the kids that she can't even admit she would like to have some private time with Alan and go shopping to with him. Instead she has to make up a lame lie about how she had stayed home waiting for them.

I love my kids. I love to spend time with the kids. I want nothing more than to see them every day and do the daily things a parent does with their kids. They are a part of me that I can never ever let go and I feel as though my heart is breaking each day I don't see them. Being a father requires being present for your kids. If you aren't with them, well you are just as good as a figurehead and that's not being a father. But I have to choose to not be a father to my kids in order to spare them as much as possible the horrible emotional abuse they endure from their mom. By not being their dad, I will have at least not provoked an insecure woman with my presence and push her into the abusive behaviors that she is capable

The kids will miss me. The kids will be hurt angry and will hate me because they think I don't care about them. It may even "scar them for life" as my step mom insists will happen. But the hurt and the scars that will be inflicted on them from their mother if I continue to try and be part of their lives will be much larger, much deeper and more irreparable. By giving up being a father to my children, at least for now, I hope that I can spare them at least some of the ugliness, the selfishness, the lies and manipulations from their mother and leave more room for her genuine love, concern and compassion for the kids to show through. I know she is now married to a decent man. I pray each day that she is finding better things to do with her time than think up dirty, petty, selfish things to do or be angry about. And that she is filling her days with enjoyment of her new life. And hopefully, she can find it in herself to be the best selfless mother she can be for the kids.