ASPECT Parent
Questionnaire
ASPECT refers to "Ackerman-Schoendorf Scales of Parent Evaluation of Custody
Test". It is often used in custody evaluations. It consists of 56
questions that the parent answers and the clinician grades. Click here to learn more
about the test.
Here
I have re-organized and added some of the questions so they may not be
identical to the original questions in the test. I have no idea if my answers
are good or bad or acceptable for anything.
Parents,
I would love it if you could let me know what you think.
If
there are any clinicians familiar with the test out there, I would really like
a feed back on this.
Thanks.
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
D:
S:
Organizations, Hobbies, Skills,
Interests:
D: Computer games. Unreal Tournament. Computer programming. Relax with a DVD movie. Likes motorcycles.
S: Watch TV, loves birds and other
pets, shopping
Have you ever served in the military? If, yes, where did you serve?
D: yes. Joined
army infantry after high school. Stationed in
S: no
Please state your highest completed
level of education:
D: AS in Electronics, BS in
Automated manufacturing degree from ITT in
S: High school diploma. Completed
class in nursing school, incomplete semester of community college, certified
nursing assistant license (now expired), 80% of
classes needed toward X-Ray technician.
Have you been previously married?
D: Married in
S: No marriages. Aside from the
relationship with me, she has had one other long-term relationship lasting one
year. She mostly preferred to stay unattached and enjoy wide variety of
partners prior to our relationship.
Where were you born and raised?
D: I was born in
3years
old. Parents moved to
4 years old. Parents divorced. Dad
moved to the Tri-cities 60 miles away, mom stayed in Othello. Custody arrangement
was with the mother and dad had visitation every other weekend. Some time
later, Dad remarried.
7 years old. Abuse incident results
in dad getting custody of both kids. We moved to the Tri-cities with Dad and
his new family. Mom worked as long distance truck driver and called couple
times a year and kids went to see her.
10 years old. Moved
to
11 years old. We moved back
14 years old. Brother Rick didn’t
like our step mom and he moves back and forth between living with mom and
living with dad.
19 years old. After graduating high school,
I left home and joined the army.
S: Born and raised
Education and occupation of parents and siblings: Parents divorced?
If either of your parents are deceased, how old were
you at the time of death?
D Mother: high school. Truck driver,
and breed horses.
D Step Father: High school, breeds
horses.
D Father: high school, Air force, meat-packing
plant, home builder / carpenter, business owner of custom cultured marble
appliances, retired.
D Step Mother: high school,
beautician, ran her beauty parlor, associate in fathers business, retired.
D Brother: 33 years old. High
school, working in family business
S Mother: high school? Gas station
clerk, disabled, welfare. Passed away in June of 2002
S Father: full time alcoholic. Died
when Stacy was 12 years old
S: Brother Bill high school? Prison?
S: Half Sister Tina married with
children?
What do you remember about the first
time you used alcohol? Have you ever been treated for alcohol or drug abuse?
D: I had my first taste of beer when
I was 10 years old. My father took me and my brother camping
and let us taste a sip of the beer he was drinking. I remember that we
both hated the taste. When I was in my teens, my step brother (son of my step
mother) who was 18, used to hold parties at our house and secretly serve alcohol.
His friends occasionally let my brother and I try some. These were in very
small quantities and I did not start drinking on my own free will for enjoyment
until I was in the army.
Have you ever been sexually assaulted?
When I was about 7 years old and my brother Rick was 5 years old, the
teenage son of my mother’s boyfriend sexually abused us. He took us both
together and rubbed his penis between our legs. This happened on several
occasions. Additionally mother’s boyfriend was physically abusive to us as well
as to my mom and his own son. He would pick up whatever that was lying around
and beat us with it. My father who we
visited every other weekend noticed that we were terrified of going back to our
mother’s house after visitation. We were very reluctant to talk but eventually
he got enough information out of us to get an emergency order to change
custody. My mother did not fight this change because she knew she failed to
make it right when she was aware of what was happening.
Have you ever been in trouble with the
law?
D: When I was 15 years old, I was an
accomplice to auto theft and joy riding. The owner did not press charges. When I was 26 years old, I was arrested for
DWI and taken to jail for 1 day, fined.
S: Stacy has not been in trouble
with the law as far as I know. Stacy has initiated injunctions for protection
on two separate occasions both of which were dismissed by the court.
Religious Affiliation:
D: None.
S: None
List any current medical problems: If
you are currently taking any medications, please identify then and state the
reason for taking each one:
D: None
Psychiatric Treatment:
D: Currently in family counseling
with Jane Devine. No other psychiatric or psychological treatments.
If currently in therapy, what are your goals:
To become a better father for my
children either through improving communication with their mother, improving my
own parenting skills, or dealing with any issues I have.
When were you married, divorced,
widowed separated?
D: We were never married. I verbally
informed Stacy of my intention to separate in March of 2003. Separated in July
2003 when I moved to Daytona. After which I visited the kids on the weekends in
Major causes of
stress in your life at this time?
D: Custody issue. Children’s
upbringing. Financial.
Is your work satisfying? If not, why?
D: My work is not especially inspiring.
It is routine work that involves little creativity. Also I am working for a
family owned company that monopolizes the industry that is resistant to
improvement and change. However, it pays well and I have a boss that allows me flexibility
in my work schedule. Until my children are grown, my career is secondary to
their needs.
Why are you seeking custody or physical
placement?
I love my children and I want them to have the best
possible care and all the opportunities in life that is available to them. I
feel that at this point and time, Stacy unable to make decisions that are in
the best interests of the children and is a danger to the children’s physical
and emotional growth. This is in no way to say that Stacy does not love the
children. I know for a fact that Stacy loves both children deeply and is always
trying to be the best mother she can be and the children return that love back
to her. I believe strongly that children need both their mother and father in
their lives. So I am not saying that children should be separated from their
mother. I just feel that she needs close supervision during her time with them
until she is able to gain a better perspective on her life and be able to make
better choices in how she treats them. Should I be granted primary residence, I
will make every effort to make sure Stacy gets liberal parenting time with the
children and try to work up to a 50/50 split on overnight parenting time as
soon as possible.
In general, I am laid back easygoing person who hates
confrontations and asserting my will on other people. However, in this matter pertaining
to my children, I feel strongly that it is my duty to protect my children from
the damaging effects of Stacy’s irrational behavior. For the last 11 years, my
primary concern in life is to be the best parent I can be for my children.
My relationship
with Stacy started with Stacy’s pregnancy.
I was the father and I wanted to be part of the child’s life and be
involved in the daily care of the child determined to not just be the Sunday
dad. Over the years, Stacy and I grew
closer and our relationship has changed.
But my primary objective for being in the relationship is to be part of
the children’s lives and it has not changed.
I was the primary breadwinner of the household and Stacy
was a stay at home mom. From the start, I assumed she will be capable of feeding,
clothing and caring for the children as well as provide appropriate education
and enrichment for them. Unfortunately
as our relationship deteriorated, Stacy grew increasingly bitter and depressed
and started to neglect even the most basic needs of the children. I thought
this was due to financial stress and if I could earn enough money for us to
live comfortably she will clean herself up and take care of the children
better. In the meanwhile I let my personal resentment toward her get the better
of me and I became involved with a coworker. Suspecting this, Stacy became more
irrational and increasingly unstable. She started using the children as pawns
in horrible, ridiculous ways in her attacks of bitterness toward me. I was hopeful for a long time that she was
just going through a difficult time because of my affair and will eventually
come around and be able to care for the children properly. A year and a half
has passed since our break up but her bizarre and abusive behavior continues to
escalate. With things getting this bad, I am forced to take action to secure
the safety of my children.
What would be the ideal custody and
visitation arrangement for your family?:
D: I would like to be granted
primary residence and the responsibility to make all major decisions regarding
the children. Ideal visitation arrangement
will be for the children to rotate in one-week intervals between both parents
with each parenting week starting after school on Friday.
How would it affect you if the other
parent received custody or primary placement?
D: I believe that if Stacy was
empowered with making decisions for our children, they will not be given the
full benefit of the opportunities available to them. She has demonstrated to me
clearly that she believes in minimalism and does not want to burden the
children with more than what they already have to do in school. If Stacy
retained primary custody, I will be very disappointed for my children. I want
my children to be able to learn and participate in sports and receive the best
possible education as well as all the excursions and field trips they can take.
In addition to these not being initiated by Stacy for the children, Stacy has
also openly demonstrated that she is resentful of my efforts to provide these
things for the children during my own parenting time. This has made it very
difficult for the children to enjoy these activities.
I anticipate that it will become very difficult for me to maintain contact
with my children. I have little faith in Stacy to maintain a regular visitation
schedule based on my experience with her over the past 8 months. Regardless of
a court order, my time with the children with be at
her whim and neither children nor I will know when we can see each other again.
I would like to provide some predictability and stability for the children
under this difficult circumstance by being able to tell them when they are
going to be able to see me again. Additionally I will be unable to maintain a
stable work schedule due to her unpredictable demands, which will put my job in
jeopardy.
Another aspect of difficulty I anticipate will be my own feelings. Due to
the animosity between Stacy and myself, any contact
time I have with the children is incredibly stressful. The children also feel
this stress feeling torn between two parents. They do not feel comfortable
enjoying time with one parent because they are concerned about displeasing the
absent parent. Telephone contact has also become a source of anxiety. On most
nights, Mirrissa prefers not to talk to me for fear of Stacy’s outrage. Zachary
begs and pleads to stay on the phone with me while Stacy tells him to get off
the phone and that it is time for bed. I anticipate that will escalate if Stacy
is granted primary residence. I don’t think I will be able to take this type of
stress on an ongoing bases and I will probably opt to let the children adjust
to living with their mom without “interference” from me.
Joint custody involves shared decisions
about each of your children's education, religious upbringing, medical
treatment and related issues. What would be the advantages and disadvantages of
a joint custody arrangement for your family?
D: Joint custody is no doubt the
best course of parenting for the children. However, Stacy and I are in total
opposition in all aspects of any choice regarding the upbringing of the
children. I find it impossible to understand the reasoning for the choices she
makes for the children on anything from the most trivial to the major. Most
disagreements arise when I propose something new for the children and she is
against it. I believe I am open to alternative suggestion if my first choice is
not acceptable to Stacy for a good reason. I have difficulty however when Stacy
just flat out deny the new proposals just because it is inconvenient for her.
Most of our discussions do not result in a decision and children do not benefit
from the extended arguing we do. Therefore I feel it will be impractical for us
to co-parent effectively in a joint custody arrangement. I would like the
courts to decide who is more able to provide the children with the best
opportunities as well as who is better able to include the other parents wishes
in parenting the children.
In question 26, you identified the
ideal custody arrangement. What elements of your ideal arrangement would you be
willing to negotiate?
D:
Actual weekly visitation schedule is negotiable as long as I have the
children 50% of the time.
Decision-making rights and
responsibility are negotiable as long as it is dedicated to a third party. In
the ideal world I will have all decision-making responsibilities but I
understand that it may be unfair for me to monopolize it. In the alternative, I
would like to delegate this to a responsible third party to make them in the
interest of the children. I will be willing to pay to schedule a monthly
session where we bring all of the issues regarding the children to this third
party for a decision.
How is each of your children performing
in school? List the name of each teacher and each child's grade level, favorite
subject, and most difficult subject:
Mirrissa is in 2nd
grade (8 years old in August 2004). Her first grade teacher said she was at
grade level in
I believe Mirrissa will continue to
need serious remedial help in all of her subjects as well as math due to her inability
to pay attention in class. Her teacher said that there was nothing that can be
done about the neediness but wait for her to grow out of it. Until she does and
is able to focus on a task by herself, Mirrissa will need regular
individualized instruction to go over everything she missed in class and keep
her academic skills up to grade level.
In
terms of her difficulty with math, I have tried to work with her and help her
do her math homework in the past year. It seems that her difficulty comes from
being unable to grasp the fundamental rules of cause and effect. Although she
knows the procedure of counting with her fingers, she does not trust that it
will work and prefers to guess numbers at random. I think she needs a tutor
that specializes in teaching math to young children to help her do better in
math.
Zachary is in 4th
grade (10 years old in June 2004). Zachary was held back in the 1st
grade and he worries about being older than his classmates. Last year at Pine
Trail Elementary, he was placed in a class that combined 2nd to 5th
graders so that each child can learn subjects at their own level. This seemed
to work well with him and it was clear he enjoyed going to school. Teachers
have commented on how eager to help he is and how he is always working hard to
please. His reading and writing skills average between B minus to a C. His math
skills are a little better at a grade B. He has A’s in PE, Art and other
subjects.
I would like him to receive additional academic help that will allow him to
catch up in all areas to his grade level before he enters middle school. He
also needs to continue to develop good study habits and study skills including
his reading skills. Although he is following the program at school, I would
like him to be able to read comfortably for content.
Identify each child's interests, fears,
skills and problem areas: For each problem area, describe the solution that you
feel would be most effective: Identify the special needs of your children at this time:
What are the specific needs that each of your children will have next year? In
3 years? In 5 years?
Zachary is my first-born and a son. He is a good-natured kid
with good memory of events and cause and effect. He is laid back and acts aloof
but remembers more things than he lets on. Zach has shown an active interest in animals
specifically reptiles, birds, and insects.
He will stop to observe an eagle or hawk in the sky or tree and stare in
awe at a large alligator in the river. He has begged and begged to have a pet snake,
which we got him for his 10th birthday. He continues to be fascinated
with his snake and looks forward to playing with it everyday he is at my
house. He also has a fascination with
airplanes and spacecrafts. Recently he purchased a remote controlled plane with
his birthday money and put it together by himself. We flew the plane until it
crashed into the bushes. His primary
source of information regarding his interests is through television and
friends. I am trying to show him how books can help him learn about the things
he loves by buying and reading books with him. Hopefully, he will soon learn that
books are not “homework” and start to read for enjoyment.
Family entertainment is typically involves playing a board game or an hour
or so of a movie before bedtime. Kids get to pick what they want to do and we
do it together. We watch more movies when my girlfriend isn’t visiting because
board games are more interesting with four people.
Being a fan of video games myself, Zach and I often play a game called
Unreal Tournament together. It is a multiple player game and we typically fight
on the same team. He also has a Nintendo at his mom’s house which he has
systematically gone through and completely finished several games.
Zach has a fascination with fishing even though he has no interest in
eating the fish he catches. Fortunately, my girlfriend likes fish and Zach is
eager to catch fish for her to eat. I live on the
Zachary has always been fascinated
with fire. He enjoys lighting candles and creating bon fires in the yard. He
likes to light one match after another and watch them until they burn out. Up
to this point, he has always asked permission and stopped when I told him to
stop so I am not sure if this fascination is something I should be concerned
about.
Zachary is a picky eater and has an
extremely limited diet. He will not try new foods or a food arranged
differently from what he is used to. For example he likes toast but will not
eat a hamburger on a toasted bun. He puts up a big fuss when confronted with
having to eat foods he “does not like.” He will refuse to even try a bite
despite being faced with going to bed hungry. He enjoys chicken tenders, fish
sticks, Kool-Aid, Reese’s peanut butter cups and prefers salty foods. He has
been growing fast and eating a lot the last couple of months and gaining some
weight. Hopefully this is a reflection
of lack of exercise or a growth spurt and not an indication of comfort eating.
Zachary has no trouble falling asleep at night and seems to sleep soundly
through the night. However, on most mornings he awakens before everybody else.
He has told me he gets up many times in the morning and runs to the window to
see if it is time to wake up yet. Upon seeing the clock or light of dawn, he
will get dressed and ready for school and started on his cereal long before the
alarm clock rings. I am not sure if this should be a cause for concern.
Zachary lacks sufficient confidence to extend himself to learn new things.
He has difficulty facing challenges and is easily discouraged at any unfamiliar
task or at the slightest obstacle. He has no experience at “conquering”
something and does not know his true limits or potential. His fear of
uncertainty is strong and if he failed at something once, he is very reluctant
to try again. This makes him a sore loser and afraid to try new things. He has
not yet learned how to deal with problems and avoidance is his primary defense.
He prefers to switch attention away from unpleasant/ difficult topic / task and
just put it out of his mind and hope it goes away.
During the last school year, I felt that the teachers at Pine Trail
Elementary were doing an excellent job with him in this aspect. At his previous
school he did not like to be faced with work he did not understand and showed
poor attitude towards schoolwork. However, at Pine Trail, teachers encouraged
him and made sure to present new materials in a way that was not threatening.
He seemed to become more and more comfortable with the work and his tolerance
of the unknown increased. I could see this in the way he attacked his homework
as well as how he talked about what he was learning in school.
Zachary has a low threshold of frustration and gets overwhelmed easily. When
he doesn't get his way, he will whine and stomp around. He may also take out
his frustration on toys or anything he might have in his hand at the time,
throwing it down and stomping on them. When he is frustrated this way, he is slow
to change his attitude and recover. After his initial outburst, he will
typically quietly sulk by himself with an occasional whine and will not be
receptive to any other “feel good” activities until his is completely done.
His easygoing attitude and agreeable nature lets him make friends easily
and he is able to get along well in groups. He plays fairly and is able to cooperate
with other kids in game play as well as on one to one bases. One concern that I have as he grows older is
that he will easily fall in with the wrong crowd. With his lack of confidence,
he tends to succumb to peer pressure. He often gets in
trouble with his mother for doing something he should not have (e.g. shooting a
BB gun) when playing with a specific friend even though he knows he should not
have done it. In addition to teaching him to resist peer pressure, I feel
strongly that I need to monitor his friends closely and the environment he is
in to make sure this does not lead to more serious problems, as he grows older.
Zachary, like Mirrissa is very eager
to please adults and is not afraid of and freely makes requests to strangers. Stacy
has taught him to be polite to adults and he uses ma'am and sir consistently. My
only concern is that he does not yet realize that you shouldn’t ask for every little
thing and you can’t impose on other people’s kindness all the time. For example
he will ask a store clerk where something is without trying to located it
himself first.
He is always eager to demonstrate his knowledge and impress adults. But
this sometimes becomes excessive. He may state opinion as fact. "XXX is
the best car in the world" He will most often start a conversation
with "guess what". I have occasionally caught him telling lies
such as "I caught a baby snake and spent all night taking care of it."
All of this seems to be a reflection of wanting others to acknowledge his
opinion as valuable. Perhaps I have not sufficiently let him know that he is
unique and what he has to say is important.
I think Zachary needs some kind of outlet for his anger and frustration. It
seems to me that he has very little opportunity to be totally physical in his
current daily routine. I would like him to be involved playtime or some other physical
activity that makes him sweat at least once a day. He has indicated an interest in playing
football but has been unable to pursue it. I hope to get him involved in a team
sport, which can provide the physical outlet as well as build endurance and
teach him about teamwork and let him become involved with peers of good
influence. Hopefully something like this
can provide an avenue for him to excel and gain confidence and develop a “can
do” attitude.
Mirrissa is my baby girl
and the apple in my eye. She can be very charming and is very dramatic in her
conversations and emotions and can make people laugh. However, she is also a
very difficult needy child that can't be satisfied. I know what many adults
dealing with her for any length of time comes away feeling used manipulated and
monopolized. Is very difficult to have "quiet
enjoyment" time in the family with out her creating some sort of
disturbance and ruining things for everyone.
Mirrissa loves to be the center of attention and demands it all the time.
She does not like to engage in solo play for any length of time and wants an
adult to be part of her playtime. She is always eager to show what she is doing
and will call out "look daddy!" “Come see this daddy!” When she is with adults she is very helpful
and likes to volunteer to do many tasks herself. Sometimes she will not back
down until the adult backs completely away from the task. However she will lose
interest if the adult completely delegates the task to her and is not paying
close attention to her every move. She is very needy and demands constant
assurances and approval from adults. She will go to the extreme of using false
"alarm" to get attention such as "Oh no!" "its time!" to get the recognition she wants.
What I find most disturbing about her behavior is the constant lying and
faking. She will lie about the most obvious and in situations she has nothing
to lose by telling the truth. Her emotions tend to be phony and she is very
theatrical in her presentation. When she is in trouble she can look like a
perfect child of remorse but often times she can't explain what she did wrong. When
she doesn’t get her way, she shows intense anger expressed as long tantrums as
long as others are around. When that doesn’t work she switches to acting
"cute" and baby like to solicit sympathy. I have not known her to experience
embarrassment or shyness. She also lacks cause and effect thinking and always seems
surprised when faced with the consequences of her actions.
Mirrissa generally eats well and likes fruits and vegetables but likes to
imitate brother's pickiness. I think she will be more willing to try new things
and like them if it were not for her brother’s influence. She especially likes
gum, hard candy, pickles, tuna fish sandwiches, and ketchup. It is very difficult to enjoy a meal with her
because she has very poor table manners. She has difficulty sitting still
during dinner and is prone to wandering around and taking food off of other
peoples plates. Her eyes are bigger than her stomach and she frequently takes
all of the available food for herself even though others have not yet been
served. She also hoards condiments and makes it inaccessible for others. If there was a last piece of fish stick
sitting on her plate that her brother asked her for, she will deliberately ruin
it by smashing it and mixing it with other food on her plate. When she starts getting full, she stuffs
mouth with food till both cheeks are completely full and proceed to chew with her
mouth open. She also likes to make disgusting noises to gross out others.
Mirrissa has great auditory memory and can recite phrases verbatim and with
exact inflection and accent. She enjoys reciting phrases such as “Do not eat
with your mouth open, it is rude” out of context at random intervals. Although
she is very vocal I often have difficulty understanding what she is saying. She
tends to chatter away about this that and other unrelated to the flow of
conversation. She has an annoying habit of repeating the same question such as
"How are you? What are you doing?" over and over and won't stop even when
the answer is given. She has a quirky
sense of humor and likes to entertain people with her wit and antics. She makes us laugh sometimes because her humor
is often off beat and she doesn’t seem to understand syntax in comedy and laughs
at wrong intervals.
Physically, she is shorter than other girls her age but proportionate in
build. She is considerably less coordinated than her peers and prone to accidents.
Compounded with her poor vision, she seems to have trouble with hand eye
coordination.
Mirrissa
loves to draw and enjoys all sorts of arts and crafts. She is willing to use
various mediums including scissors, tape, and glue to perfect her creations. Her less than perfect hand eye coordination
does not seem to hinder her in her artistic pursuits. She enjoys making things
(food, picture, crafts) for others. "I was doing/making it for you"
is her favorite phrase while making those creations. Although the person she
was “doing it for” changes by the minute, she clearly has good intentions.
She likes Barbie related toys, new clothes, putting on nail polish and
eating pickles. But her true interests and preferences do not seem to have
developed. She is more concerned about wanting what others have in their hand
at the moment and her own preferences seem secondary to that desire.
Mirrissa is openly affectionate. She has never been intimidated or scared
of strangers. Stacy has taught her to use polite language and she uses ma'am
and sir regularly and always approaches stranger in a very friendly manner. She
is also physically affectionate and loves give hugs and sitting on your lap. I
have often worried that it would be too easy to make her go willingly with a
kidnapper. She is very eager to make new friends and will often make a new "best
friend" after few minutes of acquaintance. She also likes to invite people
she has just met to her birthday party which may be up to a year away.
The thing about her interaction with strangers that I find unusual is that
she has no problem making full eye contact when speaking to them. This is in
contrast to little or no eye contact with me unless she is lying or demanding
something. She doesn’t like to look at me directly but she is not hesitant to
show her affection to me by saying "I love you daddy" and giving me
big hugs. She does this couple of times an hour and seems unrelated to the
events taking place around her.
Mirrissa has shown problems with socialization. When playing with other
children, she is extremely bossy and manipulative. She tends to ignore the
rules and doesn't play fair and will openly cheat if the opportunity is
present. She is very self absorbed and focused on the
here and now which leaves little room to be considerate of those around her.
She does not yet understand others pain and will not stop when they cry out in
pain. Even when friends ask her not to be so bossy to them or request that she
share, she seems puzzled and concludes that they are just being mean to her.
She seems assume bad intentions are behind all actions and her observations
tend to go in the direction of the negative. This can be observed when she
plays house with her dolls. Instead of expanding the fantasy world to a
positive fun place she will put in a big dampener. For example she will say “.. and then the Grand father came home and grounded
everybody…” or “No you can’t bake cookies for Mother’s day, you are a stupid
girl and you are to stay in your room” Because of these characteristics it is
difficult for her to maintain friendships and she is and often shunned out of
group play.
She has very little patience and once she sets her mind on it she will not
let things be postponed or compromised even if the results are guaranteed. She has a habit of grabbing things out of people’s
hands even when they are in the process of handing the object to her. She will also shoves things (food, toys) in peoples faces.
Some of her other quirks include her repeated theatrical sadness over missing
someone or some thing. At any given time, she will sigh and droop
her shoulders and exclaim, "Oh I miss Xxxx SO
MUCH!!" This may be over relatives she hasn’t seen in a while or a piece
of gum she left in the car. Stacy believes that Mirrissa says these things when
she is extremely upset about something. I notice that she brings this up when
we are engaged in some activity and she feels guilty for having fun and wants
to reconnect with her mom. Another quirk is that she likes to change in and out
of different outfits throughout the day.
Despite her fascination with clothes, she doesn't like to wear shoes and
prefers to go barefoot whenever possible.
I think that I have spoiled Mirrissa by letting her get away with far too
much and not teaching strict discipline. I also feel that Mirrissa has missed
out on a lot of nurturing when she was a baby. This comes out in her clinginess
and the constant need for control. I am painfully aware that Mirrissa has a lot
of growing up to do. But I am afraid that the combined parenting skills of
Stacy and I are insufficient to help her do this effectively. I would like to obtain advice from
professionals to learn how I can be a better parent to her. With this and extra
effort, I hope that I can prevent her from growing up to be a difficult unhappy
person who feels the world is out to get her.
What are your strengths as a parent?
I am patient and even-tempered. People have characterized me as having a “long
fuse” I love my kids and I truly enjoy interacting with them..
I am sensitive to mood changes and can sense what people are feeling even if
they are pretending to be otherwise. I am trusting and believe in the good will
of people. I think I am able to give simple love and warmth. I am financially
stable with a good job and physically strong and healthy. I am comfortable with
who I am and am not worried about what other people think. I have common sense
and fairness and rarely let my anger dictate my actions. I believe the children
should be taught to understand why and how come what they did was wrong before
administering punishment. I believe in my children and that they can become
good citizens and live a happy life and it is my job to do everything I can to
guide them.
What are your weaknesses as a parent?
I believe my foremost weakness is that I am not very communicative. I am
not a verbal person and have difficulty articulating my thoughts to others.
Subsequently I don’t like confrontations and dislike being the disciplinarian
to my children. I prefer to talk to them quietly rather than yell and punish
them even though sometimes a wake up call and sternness is required. I am
always looking for the positive in life and prefer to ignore or forget the
negative. This is not always helpful to the children who need to learn to deal with
their own negative feelings.
In terms of my everyday lifestyle, I like junk food and do not know how to
cook or serve vegetables. I sleep
heavily and like to stay up late and I tend to oversleep in the morning. I like
to keep my house clean but it takes me a long time to do household chores and I
am not as efficient in it as I could be. I procrastinate a lot but when I
become focused, I tend to concentrate too hard on one thing and forget the
rest. However, I am proud to say that I have only overslept in the morning once
this past year and I have never forgotten to pick up the children on my
scheduled days.
What are the other parent's greatest
strengths and weaknesses?
Stacy’s greatest strengths as a parent stem from the fundamental fact that
she gave birth to the children. She loves them deeply and makes sure the
children know it. Stacy is very affectionate and showers the kids with hugs and
kisses. She also demonstrates her love by saying, “I love you and I miss you”
during any time away from the kids. Kids always know what she is feeling
because she does not try to hide her feelings and expresses full range of
emotions openly.
She is very vocal and can describe and articulate her feelings and thoughts
well. She is very good at “painting the picture.” Verbalization is not a skill that I have and
I think it is especially helpful when she is talking at the children and
explaining things to them. She is also
open about discipline and she does not hesitate to punish the children when they
misbehave regardless of where they are. She has taken extra care and persistence
in establishing good manners in the children.
When Stacy has an appointment that she has decided to keep, she is very
punctual and reliable. She rarely “forgets”
to do things she thinks is important and never fails to follow through. When
she is with the kids, she allows them freedom to express themselves and find
their own unique ways of keeping entertained. She is tolerant and intervenes on
the kids’ playtime only if there is serious cause for concern. Stacy imposes very harsh punishment at any
misbehavior but also knows to lift the punishment after it has been partially
served. She enjoys watching TV with the
children and they often curl up on the couch together and fall asleep watching
a late show. Although she is not academically oriented she has excellent
penmanship and it impresses the kids. Stacy is also an animal lover and have always had various pets in the household. We have had a
beloved dog, which she had to take to the pound when we separated. She has a keen
interest in birds and has successfully trained a young parakeet to say “Shut up
Mirrissa” and “Shut up Zach”.
I believe Stacy’s weaknesses as a parent stems from her self-absorption and
lack of logical thinking and commonsense. She has very strong beliefs and she
is reluctant to accept advice or effect change in them. She is very needy and
demanding constant approval and encouragement. She often asks for advice but
have no real desire to take that advice and only wish the person to acknowledge
her suffering. This need for reinforcement is her primary drive and it supersedes
above all else and she is often willing to put morality, fairness, and decency
aside to maintain her self-esteem.
Another area of concern in Stacy as a parent is her overwhelmingly negative
outlook on life. She is very pessimistic and there is a perpetual anger lurking
just beneath the surface. She has rarely has anything positive to say about
anybody including the children and she assumes bad intentions behind other people’s
actions.
In addition to her negative outlook, I have found her lacking in the
capacity to think and plan for the future. She has never expressed any hopes
and dreams for the future nor does she know where she envisions herself in five
years. She also does not seem to have any dreams or goals for the children on
how they may grow up and the kind of lives they might lead. I believe this is the bases of her reluctance
to expose the children to new experiences and opportunities. She seems to feel that status quo is good
enough for her and hence good enough for her children.
Stacy is extremely moody and at times fall in to a deep depression. During
such times, it becomes difficult for her to even get out of bed and tend her
own hygiene much less the children. Other times she becomes extremely irritable
and pessimistic. She will blow up at the slightest wrong. When she is in this
mood, she will often take family pictures off the walls and start packing them
up to leave home. She will order kids to
pack up their toys and demand their help. This at first scared the children but
after a couple of episodes they got used to it and learned to avoid her during
this phase.
If you are having difficulty with your
child or children, to whom do you talk?
From which sources do you draw
information concerning child rearing?
As I have pointed out before, I am not a very verbal person and I do not
discuss my problems freely with others. However, I have been concerned about my
children and my parenting skills. I have attended parenting classes to help me
understand developmental stages in children. My girl friend and I are reading
parenting books together. She reads much faster than me so she often gives me
the digest version of what she has read and we discuss it in the context of the
kids. We have also attended parenting classes provided in
What are your current childcare
arrangements? What are your future childcare arrangements?
Currently Stacy drops them off at a babysitter before she goes to work at
During the summer, I arranged and paid for day camp and other activities
(camp, karate, gymnastics, academic tutoring) for both children. However, Stacy
did not believe in the arrangements I made and preferred to take them to her babysitter,
which I also paid.
In a previous visitation arrangement, Stacy picked up the kids after school
and took care of them until I got off of work at
In a different visitation arrangement, we had a rotating schedule of split
weekdays where one parent has them Monday, Thursday the first week, and has
them Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday the following week, with alternating
weekends. I wanted to make sure I spent sufficient time with the kids on my
visitation days. So I negotiated with my work to get off of work in time to pick
up the children on my parenting days. No daycare arrangements were needed. In
frequently I had to return to work for an hour or so after picking the children
up from school. In such cases I had my girl friend or a neighbor watch them in
my absence. Mostly I was able to work from home if the need arose. On the days
Stacy had the kids, she dropped them off at my house in the morning before
going to work. If she had to work
evenings on her night with the kids, I took time off of work and picked them up
from school. Then she came to pick them up after
If we are able to decide on a permanent schedule, I will arrange my work
schedule so that I will be able to take them to school and pick them up
directly after school. There will be no need for regular childcare arrangement
except for the occasional babysitter. Day camps are readily available in the
county for teacher duty days and school breaks for a reasonable price.
What would be the
living arrangements of your child or children if you received placement?
Children will reside with me in my apartment. They will continue to share a
large bedroom where they have been staying this past year. See floor plan.
In a couple of years, I hope to get
my finances in order to purchase a house.
I plan on finding a home in the school
district where my children can attend
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Dave's
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VCR, DVD |
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Kitchen |
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Mirrissa's
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Bathroom |
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What comments or concerns does the other
parent have about the way you handle your children?
Stacy has expressed concern that I am too ‘easy’ on the children and that I
am trying to ‘buy’ their affection with outings and toys. She is also frustrated that I never support
her and help her discipline the children with a united front.
This typical incident will demonstrate the situation.
Stacy purchases a hamster as a pet for Zachary who is 8 years old. As the
days pass, Zachary loses interest in the hamster. Stacy reminds him he needs to
clean the cage. Zachary just looks at the hamster. Stacy tells him sternly to
clean the hamster’s cage. Zachary looks around and then goes in to the living
room to play. Stacy become very angry
and starts yelling at Zachary to clean the hamster’s cage. She also yells about
how she purchased the hamster for Zachary to take care of and it is his responsibility
to clean the cage. Zachary starts to cry and throw a tantrum. Stacy becomes
even angrier and tells Zach that he will have to answer to his daddy when he come
home and sends him to his room. Later in
the evening, I arrive home as Stacy is cleaning the hamster cage by herself.
Stacy tells me of the days events and how Zachary defied
her refused to clean the hamster’s cage like he promised when they bought the
hamster. She asks me to talk to Zach and make sure he is punished for his
actions. I ask Stacy if she ever showed
Zach exactly how the cage is supposed to be cleaned. Stacy says no but says
that Zach is old enough to know. I ask why Stacy is cleaning the cage herself
rather than supervising Zach. Stacy says that she sent Zach to his room for
punishment and he is not allowed to come out for any reason other than to use
the bathroom. I tell Stacy that Zach is young and
doesn’t understand responsibility nor does he know what “clean the cage” means.
He needs to be shown specifically how to do it and supervised each time it
needs to be done so he learns what it means to take care of an animal. Stacy
says that it doesn’t matter; Zachary should have done as he was told especially
since she told him to do it three times.
I reluctantly go to talk with Zach. He is upset and understands that he
is in trouble because he didn’t “clean the cage”. I talk to him about how he
needs to ask for help if he doesn’t know what he needs to do and he can’t avoid
doing things just because the task is not a fun one. Stacy becomes increasingly
angry because I am not yelling at Zach nor have I imposed a punishment on Zach
like she threatened him with.
I think that Stacy should not have purchased a pet for Zachary if she wasn’t
willing to go through all the motions of caring for it with Zachary and
supervise his learning everyday. I don’t understand why she can just yell at
him to “clean the cage” and expect it done. I believe it is the parent’s duty
to tenaciously supervise each and every aspect of the behavior you want the
children to learn. Similar to teaching them to brush their
teeth or to clean their rooms. I do not agree with how the whole
situation was handled and I refused to partake in it.
Did the mother experience postpartum
depression following the birth of one or more of the children?
D: No. Birth was not difficult and
she was happy to have the kids. However,
she grew increasingly more depressed as the children grew older.
For each of your children,
specify when he or she learned to walk and talk, when the child was toilet
trained, any unusual childhood illnesses, and any eating or sleeping problems:
Mirrissa was a quite
child. She rarely fussed or cried. She seemed happy to be lying in her bed by herself
just as much as being held. She was slow in starting to talk and we had to
encourage her considerably before she said her first word. Stacy thinks she
said “Mama” but it sounded more like a mumble to me. Unlike her brother, she
did not learn to walk on her own and after year and half we grew quite
concerned that she was not walking. We started training her daily and making
her practice walking. Eventually this paid off and she started to walk on her
on if and when prompted.
When she was 2 years old, she fell against coffee table and cut her lip on
the sharp corner. More recently, 7year old, she fell out of tree house. She got
the wind knocked out of her and was more scared than hurt.
Zachary was an active
baby. He was very fussy and cried a lot wanting to be held and given attention.
He was a picky eater from the start, he had definite
likes and dislikes even when eating baby food. His first words were “Dada” and
both Stacy and I witnessed it as we were standing over him encouraging him to
say exactly that. Zach was up and about walking all by himself at 11 months. He
was slower than Mirrissa to become completely potty trained but I think if he
had used “pull ups” he could have learned quicker.
When he was about 4 years old, he got his nose stung by a bee. This was
very traumatic for him and he still remembers it and talks about it. As a
toddler he liked to suck on a metal key chain from my college.
Who provided your children with sex
education?
Children are still young and no formal sex education has been given.
However, this summer, Stacy has taught Mirrissa about “good” and “bad” touch
and the areas of her body she should never let others see or touch.
Zachary has not indicated any knowledge regarding sex beyond what he has
seen on TV and heard from friends. When Zachary was 8 years old, Stacy saw him
experimenting with Mirrissa. Stacy said that they were touching each other’s
genitals and Mirrissa sucking on Zach penis. After that incident, I talked with
Zach about how touching each other’s privates is a thing adults do in a
relationship. I explained that he should not be doing it to his sister. Zach
did not acknowledge he had done this nor was he able to explain what he was
doing. I light of other stories Stacy have
told me in the past, I seriously doubt the validity of this incident.
Who changed
diapers?
Mostly Stacy. When Zach was born we were living together and I worked two jobs and went
to school so I only saw Zach in the evenings. I would change diapers if it
needed it at that time. When Mirrissa was born, Stacy and I were separated and
she only allowed me to see the kids once a week or so at a park for an hour so
I did not do much diaper changing for Mirrissa.
Who prepared
breakfast? Who got the child dressed in morning?
Before the kids started kindergarten, Stacy was responsible for getting the
kids dressed and feeding them. Kids learned at an early age that Stacy likes to
sleep in so they were used to helping themselves to some food and going over to
a friends house to play before she woke up.
When the kids started kindergarten, I got them ready in the morning approximately
60% of school days. On many mornings, Stacy will prefer to sleep in so I would
get the kids dressed and ready for school.
Kids typically ate cereal for breakfast so it was no problem for me to
prepare it for them. Only difficulty was that Stacy did not like to do dishes
and we will run out of bowls and I will have to wash some to use in the
morning.
Who took to
daycare/school?
At the time kids started school, we lived in a neighborhood where I did not
feel it was a safe for the kids to take the school bus to school. Although
there was a bus stop near the residence, I chose to drive the kids to school
before work. Since we had one car between us, and Stacy did not work, she
stayed at home. Once or twice a month, Stacy will need the car during the day
to run errands and on those days she drove all of us to work and school.
Who picked up
from daycare/school?
I didn’t want the kids riding in the school bus but I was at work and
couldn’t go pick them up after school so the school bus dropped them off in the
afternoon. Stacy was responsible for picking them up from bus stop everyday.
She swears up and down that she is always there to pick the kids up but I have
heard things from the neighbors and from Stacy herself that contradicted this.
Who prepared
dinner?
Stacy was responsible for preparing dinner. However Stacy did not like to
cook and eat dinner before I got home. On most nights, I came home to find
Stacy and the kids waiting for me to come home, hungry and dinner uncooked.
This became a problem because I worked late past
Who gave baths?
I gave baths about half of the time. If Stacy had cooked dinner, I will
typically give them baths while she watched TV.
Who prepared
the child for bed?
It was my nightly routine to read them a story and tuck them into bed. This
was a special moment for me and I continued make sure I was there to tuck them
in even when I no longer slept at the house and was living with my girlfriend.
Currently on the nights they are with their mom I call them at night to tell
them goodnight. This is an attempt to make up for not being able to “tuck” them
into bed as I always did for them.
Who helped with
homework?
Stacy helped Zach with homework on most nights before I came home. When
Zach was in first grade we had a problem with him not doing his homework
correctly. So we instilled a rule that I must check all homework before they
leave for school the next day. I found that his homework did not make it home
or was completed sloppily on many days. When Mirrissa started first grade this
became a bigger issue in the home. She continues to struggle with homework and
it is very difficult to keep her on task.
How, do you feel the separation is affecting your children?
They don’t feel like they have a home because they are always uncertain
where they are going to be spending that night. They have to be always on their
toes. They are constantly mediate
between parents and trying to stay on good terms with both. They have to always
watch what they say so that they do not say something about their life with the
other parent that will upset the current parent. They are in constant fear that
there will be a face off between the parents.
What, do you think, are the wishes of
your children regarding custody placement?
I think Zachary will prefer to live
with me and visit his mother occasionally.
Mirrissa is very attached to her mother and prefers the freedom she has
when she is with her mom so I think she would probably prefer to live with
her.
What is the bedtime routine of your
children?
List the ages and sexes of the friends
and relatives with whom your children come into regular contact:
Children have started at a new elementary school this year and I have been
able to see them very much so I do not know who their friends are yet. At my
own home, my neighbor Rob has two nephews that spend time with him. Michael 5
years old, Kevin 11 years old. When I have the kids on the weekend and we go to
my girlfriend’s house, they play with a neighbor girl, Carey 9 years old. She
spends the night with us almost every time we are there. The children also go
visit and play at my girlfriends relatives house. Laurel
and Mike are in their sixties and kids really enjoy visiting with them because
their house is in the woods and they have a very nice pool. We have also invited Rita 7 years old,
Mirrissa’s classmate from Pine Trail elementary over a couple of times as well
as invited her to attended karate classes with Mirrissa. Zachary has mentioned two friends, Kyle and
Dylan who lives near his mom’s residence.
How often do you allow your children to
have friends in the home?
Any time children ask to invite
somebody and the other child’s parents agree. They can spend the night any time
as long as it is not a school night. As the kids grow older, I would like to
encourage them to bring their friends home and use my home as a “hang out.”
All children misbehave from time to
time. For each of your children, list a misbehavior
and how you handled it:
Zachary took his valuable pocket
watch to school with him despite being told repeatedly not to do so because it
is not something he should take to school and he may even lose it. The school notified me that Zach had taken
the watch out to the playground and misplaced it. Zach and I went out to the
playground to look for it after school but we were unable to locate it. Zach
was extremely upset that he lost his watch. I mentioned to him that I had
specifically told him not to take the watch to school but he did so anyway, and
now he has lost it. Zach remembered this
and as I was contemplating what punishment will be appropriate, he tightened
his lips and big tears rolled down his face. I decided that Zach fully
understood what he did wrong and losing the watch was punishment enough for
him. I told him that when a parent tells him not to do something, there is
usually a pretty good reason even if he doesn’t think it is a good reason. Kids
need to listen to their parents whether they understand it or not. I expressed my understanding that his motives
for taking the watch to school were benign, he wanted to show his prized
possession to his friends. But the
choice he made to go against my advice and ignore my warnings was a poor one.
And that perhaps, if he had asked me how he can show it to his friends, we
could have arranged for me to take it up to him after school.
Mirrissa did not share a computer
game with her brother. Zach knew the game was hers so he asked politely if he
could play with it after she was done. Mirrissa said no. Then Mirrissa asked
Zach to help her with the controls on the game which he willingly did. When Zach
showed Mirrissa some examples of how to play the game, Mirrissa started yelling
“its MY game, you can’t TOUCH IT”. Zach yelled back “I
was just SHOWING you!” Mirrissa yelled “Get out of the chair! Its MINE! DADDY
ZACH TOOK MY GAME!!!” I was watching the interaction from the beginning. I
asked Mirrissa “You asked him to show you, if you are done being shown, why can’t you just ask Zach to let you try on your own?”
Mirrissa said “I don’t want him to touch my game.” I told Mirrissa that she
didn’t have to let him play right now but maybe she can tell him that in 15
minutes or so when she is done with it he can try it. Mirrissa wanted nothing to do with that
suggestion. I finally told her if she wasn’t willing to share, I was going to
make the rules and Zach will get to play the game first for 10 minutes and they
will take turns. Mirrissa said “NO!” and took the CD ROM out of the computer
and went into her room to hide it. Shocked, I followed her into her room and
asked for the CD ROM back. She refused. I told her that if she was going to act
so selfishly as to say “If I don’t get my way with the game, nobody gets to
play with it” she will need to sit in her room with the CD ROM on her lap to
think things over until it is time for dinner.
She immediately took it out from under the bed covers and handed the CD
ROM to me. I thanked her for her good choice and explained that she can now
come out with me and watch Zach play for 10 minutes or she can stay in her room
and I will call her when his 10 minutes are up. She opted to wait in her room.
After each child had one turn at the computer, they lost interest in the game.
How often do you find you have to spank
your children?
I rarely spank Zach now but at one point he was getting spanked on average
once a week when he was about 7 years old. I will typically give him one swat
if he continues being disobedient after three warnings. If he continues to
misbehave, he gets three swats in a row. Zach has received “Three swats” twice
in his life.
Mirrissa gets away with more because she is the youngest,
she is a girl, etc.
Ten times or more then gets one
swat. She is becoming increasingly difficult and the frequencies of spankings
are increasing recently.
Over the past year, what school events
have you attended?
I have attended parent teacher conferences as well as met with the teachers
frequently to discuss the children’s progress. I have taken the kids to their
karate practice on almost all occasions and observed them during practice.
How often does each child need help
with his or her homework?
Mirrissa needs constant supervision to complete any task no matter how
small. She is prone to losing things and needs lots of help keeping organized.
She is constantly needy wanting to sit on my lap or distracted by any little
thing. She has to be constantly reminded to do her work neatly and kept on task
or she is unable to finish. She has lots
of difficulty understanding basic concept of math and even with close
supervision, she only attempts to guess at the answers.
Zachary needs directions to get started but can handle assignments on his
own as long as he is totally comfortable with the content and the method of
completing it. If he encounters an atypical question or the answer is not
immediately obvious he will get discouraged and will not be able to focus on
anything else.
How does each child know you love him
or her?
I have always tried to be an active participant or observer in the
children’s play. I feel that just being in the same room with them while I
watch TV or work on the computer is insufficient. I feel it is important for me to show my love
by paying attention to them. I want to listen to what they have to say and
answer their questions. I enjoy looking at the things they made or noticed.
Mirrissa over uses “I love you” and wants the same words in return. I want
the words to have more meaning so I reply only when I mean it. I also try to
express my love in specific words like “I am proud of how patiently you handled
yourself today” so she understand exactly how she is making me proud. Zachary likes to butt his head up against my
abdomen. I return that by holding his head in my hand or lifting him up to
tickle him. When one of them brings up a decision or thought that I find
questionable, I try to present them with a different option and let them
compare the options to be able to choose the right path.When
they are being punished for misbehavior, I try to explain why I am doing it and
tell them that I am doing it because I love them and I am always trying to
teach them to become better people and because I know they can do better.
If the children are currently living
with you, how often does the other parent visit?
If your children are not currently
living with you, how often do you visit?
Currently Stacy allows me to see the children every other weekend from
In an average month, how much time do
you spend discussing the children, or related issues with the other parent? Do
you find this amount of time sufficient?
For the most recent month I have spoken to Stacy and discussed the children
a total of about thirty minutes. This time is insufficient because I disagree
with most of the decisions made by Stacy regarding the children. However,
through the years I have lived with Stacy, I know we are unable to resolve
anything to any degree no matter how long we discuss it. I feel that I will be incapable of agreeing with
Stacy on such matters in the future. Based on this, I have decided to only
speak to Stacy in the presence of a third party.
What are your concerns or worries when
your children are with the other parent?
I am concerned that the head games
she plays with the kids will adversely affect the children’s trust in adults
including myself.
I am worried that the children kept
from being given fair chance to enjoy all the opportunities available to them
in life.
I am concerned of the influence of
her negative personality on the children’s happiness.
I am concerned about their physical
and emotional well-being.
I am concerned that one day her
anger towards the world and me will cumulate to physical violence against the
children and herself.
In the past month, how often have you
been angry with the other parent? Briefly state the source of that anger.
I have felt anger towards Stacy countless
times in the past month.
Her refusal
to let me see the children more frequently.
Her irresponsible changes to the
visitation schedule.
Her requests for more child support
money and attitude of entitlement to it.
Her bad
choices regarding children’s education and continuous denial of opportunities
available to them.
Her lack
of parenting skills including basic needs such as hygiene, bed time,
instruction with school work.
Her
unreasonable demands and unjustified punishments of the children.
Her negativity and anger directed at
everybody around her including the children.
When you and the other parent disagree
about something pertaining to your children, how is the disagreement resolved?
Who usually wins?
The disagreement is never resolved and the children do without what ever it
was we are disagreeing about. I have not been able to gain headway by
discussion with Stacy. Typically, the
arguments will last for hours and eventually I will fall silent and walk away
while Stacy continues to rant and argue. In the end, I may give in and say ‘whatever’
or her wishes will go through by default unless I make it physically
impossible. Anything that requires action will go undone due to our inability
to make decisions.
What resources are available in your
community to help you as a single parent?
I have become close to other single fathers in the neighborhood. My neighbor
is an acting father for his two nephews that are close to my children’s age. He
has an extended family that spends considerable amount of time with the
children at his place. Our children play together and the adults enjoy each
other’s company and support. I have made
friends with mothers with like age children at Burger King where I occasionally
take my kids to play. They have been invaluable to me in providing insight into
the mom’s perspective on divorce and separation.